I am a Libra guy who dated a younger very good looking Cancer guy. The Cancer guy "J" was the one who found me online and chased me. We were living in seperate countries when we started chatting online. I moved to South America and a month later "J" also moved to South America from the Carribean. I went out of my way to help "J" settle in to South America. I picked him up from the airport, gave him a place to sleep, found him an apartment, showed him around etc.....He fell in love with me before he arrived. He was jealous of my other male mates and he hadn't even met me in person. When he arrived into South America he got attached to me straight away. He was very full on but very romantic, sweet, smart, sensitive, very very good looking and he was head over heals for me. He told me that he loves me pretty much the first week he arrived. I pushed him away saying "you dont really love me" etc....I was scared to get my heart broken again. When we were together we were great. We are both great cooks, the sex was amazing and we really cared about each other. I am a very socialable person and have a lot of friends, especially male friends. Most of the fights with "J" were about him accusing me of cheating on him. I didnt cheat on him. I felt like I had to justify myself all the time. He would go through my phone and emails. "J" would get very arrogant at times. He also said that he has never been this into someone before. He asked me what spell did I put on him to make him not want to live without me. For most of the 3 months we were togther it was great. I had to return to my home country 1000's of miles away. "J" wanted us to have a long distance relationship. I was ok with that. Ae had plans to meet up again and evenutally after he graduated from his masters programe he was to move to my country. We agreed to chat everyday via cam and sms. We did this for pretty much the first three weeks when I got back. "J" had a female friend come and he started hanging out with her. All of a sudden he had little time for me. I started to get upset by this and I asked him to come online as I was waiting for him etc......We started fighting and I started to get insecure after I found out this female friend of "J" took him to a gay club. A friend run into "J" at the club but "J" didnt tell he went. I found out, "J" denied it and then said he went. I started to get annoyed with his attitude. He went from a loving , caring guy who promised to love me forever and we were to build a life together to saying "I was no longer his life"............He started to accuse me of controlling him. I felt I was controlled my him. I broke up with him saying "I am tired of the fighting and I am allowing him the freedom to go and do what he wants etc...." I started the no contact. He replied " remember I was the one who waled away and he was happy with that if I was happy". That was 2.5 months ago and I havnt heard from him. I tried contacting him a month later but he slammed the phone in my ear. He said he didnt want to talk to me. I had a very abusive previous relationship which left me with very little self esteem. I built my self esteem back up but meeting "J" a year later I wasnt ready to date. This handsome guy found me attractive and was really into me. It made me feel good. I did grow to love "J and I still do. I have had depression on and off for years. Recently I tried killing myself. I took heart pills, went into a cardiac arrest and was in a coma and on life support for 10 days. During this time my sisters contacted "J" and they said he sounded concerned and worried. He asked to be kept informed of my condition. My sister sent "J" an email letting him know that the doctors expected me not to live. "J" wrote my sister back 5 days later. Said he was sorry for not writing sooner, he didnt check his email until now, he is busy and having problems finding work and finacial problems etc......He said that he will pray for me and that I am a special guy with a beautiful soul and I deserve all the happiness. He also said to play my favorate music to me to try and get me to wake up out of my coma. He told my sisters my favorte songs and told them where they were located on my mp3 player. 5 days passed and he still hasnt replied to my sister other email. I have only woken up out of my coma 4 days ago. I am still in hospital and under going treatment. I cant stop thinking about "J" He hasnt said he doesnt love me. I feel he may have found someone else even though he said he wasnt going to look for anyone else. I wasnt happy that my sisters contacted him. I really did not want to live. My heart stopped and I was dead for a few minutes but they revived me. I am upset that I am here able to write you guys. Will my ex "J" think of me as a nutcase, is he thinking of me, why hasnt he written, what is going through his mind? Should I try and contact him? When I left the country he sobbed for 1 weeks straight. Has he fallen out of love with me. Help me try to understand this Cancer guy.